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Thursday, March 6, 2008

Feeling like yourself

Yesterday I ran into Jacqueline, a friend of a friend, at Whole Foods. I've been hiding out in Evanston because of my current employment situation. I can't spend money I'm not earning. Talking to Jacqueline yesterday, I was not uncomfortable at all. I told her about the possibilites of grad school. I did state that I was on my way home from work (even though it was not even four). Sure, I lied. But if a lie is preventing you from being awkward, if it's a legit self-defense mechanism, doesn't it absolve itself? If the lie doesn't hurt anyone, and saves you from pain?

Last night I got stoned, and I thought about the last job. I remembered some criticism, my boss had given me in the last couple of weeks. I also recalled another manager asking to go out with me over the last month or so. I never took him up on the offer. Did I not do good work? Is that why I got fired? I don't want to think so. Just the weekend before I was dismissed, I went to the Hilton at 7:45 A.M. to check in. Sure, I didn't actually enter, but I did call my contact and see if he needed anything.

Why can I not disconnect from this situation? Why can't my failures find their way home? Why do they suffer me so?

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